I Forsee Stormy Weather and Rough Seas

As the title of this blog suggests there will be some occurrences in the very near future that may well have me a little nervous and most likely stressed out.

Yup, it’s assessment time… As the end of my third academic year at Wolverhampton university draws to a close the time has come for me to prove that I have actually learnt something (a feat that I’m concerend that I may not be able to perform).

So, I’ve got the dates and times for the unavoidably stressful situations I will be enduring: April 21st, April 24th, April 29th, May 5th & May 12th.
TOO MUCH, TOO MANY, TOO HARD! I’m most likely gonna keep this page updated with what will probably become a diary of how stressed-out I’m becoming over these assessment and a quick summary of how each exam went – if I can bring myself to actually relive the memory of it, lol.

I can safely say that I’m done for the time being, just thinking about the next exam on the horizon, tomorrow at 4:15pm, is giving me palpatations.

C

~keep the peace or acknowledge the rules overstated and learn to bend them to meet the style that you’ve created~

Ooooh… I might have visitors, best get out the posh biscuits and put the kettle on!

Wow, I wasn’t expecting much when I sent a bunch of people a message through Facebook requesting them to come and visit this humble brain-overspill spot… I am impressed at the number of people that have actually said ‘yeah why not’ and presumably clicked the ‘okay/accept’ button.

That was phase one

I’m afraid that phase two requires a little more effort on the part of anyone that reads this… Just to see who clicked ‘yes’ for the sake of shutting me up and find out who might actually give a damn what I ramble on about when I post on here, I request that anyone who is reading this posts a comment, something that can be done by clicking a link somewhere below this post, and letting me know they were here, a simple ‘yo’ is sufficient… Just so I can gauge my prospective ‘audience’, and maybe censor myself accordingly, lol (I won’t actually censor myself, if you get offended by what I say then my response would be ‘you chose to read it’ – though I doubt I shall be offering any offensive material to the vastness of cyber-space)

C

~keep the peace or propose a toast, a respectful toast, to those who can hold it in yet have lost the most~

Looking Back is a Black Eye and a Kick in The Nuts

To the intermittent reader (yes I’ve stolen that from Mr. King, get over it – anyway, he says ‘dear’)

Ever since I’ve been writing in this blog I’ve never had the inclination to read back through what I’ve written, mostly because the archive extends back over 4 years and my personality does not lend itself to my doing things that are boring and strain my eyes. However, a friend of mine decided to take on the monumental  task of reading up on my life from now back to my first post all those years ago, and to keep up with the references she was making to entries I posted all those years ago I took it upon myself to read back over them.

BAD IDEA!!!

So many stupid things that I still regret doing even now have been brought back to the fore of my my conscious (does ‘back to the fore’ even make sense?). Nearly everything I’ve ever done that I regret has involved a girl, (or several – although not in the sense of ‘all at once’) and some of the stuff I typed up to this place where I could unload with no real repercussions is quite sad, not even in the upsetting sense, and I just feel like more and more of a tool for being the person I was and doing the things that I did back then. I mean, I felt sh!tty back when I wrote some of the stuff, but looking back on it all now I just cringe at some things and recall how crap I felt, and for some reason STILL feel, for doing the things I did.

Like the whole Sonya situation: I was 18 and acted like a 15 year old… A positive aspect of my doing this is that I can now see why I am the way I am now in some respects, my dislike for relationships and my inability to trust people with my feelings.

I think I wanted to leave a journal for others to read and a place I could document my life so that others could find out about me. I guess it’s ironic that it’s ME that’s finding out about me at a later date…

Amy’s gonna be so pissed when she realised she waited so long just to read this bullsh!t post… haha… sorry darlin’…

C
~keep the peace or take a trip down memory lane only to come back with ugly trinkets and souveneirs of pain~
(i think i might use that as a lyric when I start writing songs again)

I know it’s not been that long…

I know it’s only been a week since I last updated this page but a few things have altered… My housemates and I had a little talk (and I got a little shouted at) and things have improved around here, we’re talking again (breaking the silence by yelling(ish) at me was the best thing that my housemate could have done)…

Assessments have been bogging me (and a lot of others on the course) down… I’m actually meant to be doing one now (look what happened there)…

I’ve started listening to more meaningful music recently which has started me feeling some emotions again (man I’m making myself sound like a robot with no emotions but sometimes that is exactly how I can be) and I’ve been feeling happier ’cause the depressing music allows that emotion to effectively be ‘used up’ so I don’t dwell on it later…

Anyway… things are on the up and up… though I’m concerned now that my results for the last lot of assessments are going to reflect how I was feeling this last month or so…

So yeah… ’til the next time… lol

~keep the peace or comunicate with the earth using a very large speaker face-down and KoRn songs~

C

As The Post Birthday Euphoria Drains Away…

So I turned 22 on March 7th this year… mmm… a palindromic age… My birthday was kinda awesome, all my close friends from back home getting together for a night out… I was worse for wear the next day, lapses in memory and an awful hangover (I’ve been told both are signs of a kick-ass time)…
 
The week following my birthday was filled with visits to see my friends, sleeping and aching muscles. I am glad of my friends, if it wern’t for them I don’t think I’d have left the house, lol.
 
I’ve had to cart most of my posessions from my room at home to my room at uni ’cause, in the process of getting the house ready to sell, my room is going to be painted whilst I’m away. Goodbye blue walls, hello green… Anyway, so I’m surrounded by a tonne of electrical equipment that I daren’t leave in the questionably capable hands of my parents and sister (the most likely culprit of a breakage is my father). All of the electrical equipment around me is capable of producing/emitting music and the main purpose of nearly all of it is to do so (except for the few occasions I use the PC/laptop to try and do some uni work) and yet there’s nothing I really want to listen to, which I think is bringing me down. As many of my friends know, the music I listen to affects very much how I’m feeling and since I’m not listening to anything that has any real meaning to me I’m just being really quiet and introvert which is getting on the wick of the guys I live with, which in turn is getting back to me and making making me feel worse, I hate this place and any further reason not to come back is kinda welcomed.
 
 
Driving down the M6 is always cause for depression, there are so many times when I think, ‘if only I could just turn off at this junction and avoid going back at all’. It gets greyer and bleaker the closer you gets to Birmingham, very few stretches of green (although, saying that, just outside of Stafford there are some nice green bits of forest and field).
 
My problems (however minor and insignificant they are) are all my own doing, I think I just need to find a way out of this rut I’m in… If I can do that, then maybe it’ll all be back to the way it was last year.
 
Anyway, enough of my ranting and rambling… Off I go to get scolded for not doing ANY work last week (I don’t think my lecturer will take ‘it was my birthday’ as a valid excuse.
 
Thanks for reading this, whoever you are…
 
C
 
~ keep the peace ~


Wow (A Year Already)

I can’t believe it’s been a year since last I came on here and wrote a blog, it’s crazy!

What’s even weirder is that I’m the same guy I was back then, yeah my situation has changed slightly, I’m in my third year out of four at Wolverhampton Uni doing the same Interpreting BSL/English course and I’m living in a student house this year, but I still think the same, uni life hasn’t really changed me that much… Maybe it has and I just haven’t noticed ’cause it’s been gradual, I dunno.
 
So, yeah, what’s new? Twelve months of stuff has happened since I last blogged here and I can’t for the life of me think of even one moment that really stood out for me to tell about. Well, I turned 21 on March 7th (which kinda feels lightyears ago now) which wasn’t much of a big deal, spent time with my family and there was a little gathering when I returned to uni.

I guess I’ve been living life day by day and forgetting each subsequent one that passes me by. I can’t say I’m living for the future but I’m not really living in the past either, which would leave living in the present as my only option, but I’m not really living, just existing in this state until something new comes along. I’m kinda waiting for the day when I wake from this stupor to be the person I wanna be and do the things I wanna do… I wonder if that day will ever come or if I’ll just sleepwalk through my entire life not really having a direction, meandering through my days until at some late stage I realise what a mess I’ve made of things. Wow, uber pessimistic, even for me. I guess I’m tired or something. Maybe that’s something that has changed about me, my apathy seems to have become all encompasing, there really isn’t an aspect of life I can say I thrive on, not even music any more, maybe I’m just not listening to the right stuff at the moment. It’s not that I don’t care, if I didn’t care then I wouldn’t get out of bed every day, do my essays or e-mail home or my friends. It’s just that there’s no passion, no desire. I have, and always will, put some of the blame on this god-forsaken city. Wolverhampton is a f*cking Hell-hole and I’ll be happy when I can go leave here and never come back again, but I’m afraid to say that it cannot take all the blame for my lack of enthusiasm.

I would like to know what it is that makes me tick, I don’t know my passions or desires (which, on it’s own, is reason to get some therapy maybe) and I don’t know how to kick-start my enthusiasm, so if any budding psych’ students are reading this (god knows why you would) then let me know, I don’t mind being a guinea-pig; I’d love to be psycho-analysed.

Well I think that concludes my strange saunter through my often broken train of thought.

C *keep the peace or take a foregone conclusion and rearrange the meaning of what you think you’ll find*

After The New Year

It’s January 18th… I’m still at home after christmas, term doesn’t officially start until the 28th so i’ve got 10 days to kill…

There’s not so much to say even though so much time has passed. Christmas came and went without so much as a rustle in the leaves on the tree of excitement. No matter, New Years was meant to be a blast, road trip to Leeds with JaMeS, Sean, Neil and his girlfriend, Anna. Not so, Sean was ill so it was just the 4 of us in the car. The party was just a gathering of stoners sat around toking on spliffs and a shisha pipe which grew tiresome quickly, Neil and Anna left just after the countdown to the new year, JaMeS and I left half an hour later. Can’t say it was a raucous shindig and there was no sense of joy in the atmosphere.

Well this has been a dismal post so far eh?

Since returning from Leeds there has been even less than f*ck-all to do and so i’ve been in my house pretty much every day slobbing out in front of the T.V.  I’ve never been so glad to get back to Wolverhampton in my life. Speaking (well, typing) of Wolverhampton, I have recieved most of my results from the first semester, I was pleasantly surprised to find that not only had I passed the part that I had believed would be my one failing, I got a freakin’ ‘A’! Much joy from that… Kinda stared at the results page and began laughing hysterically.

Bought some weighing scales from Asda so I could keep track of my steady weight loss after the pigging-out of x-mas and new year, only to be dissapointed once again when I realised that I’ve slowly been gaining weight, probably linked to this self induced confinement to my house. Not that I’m a fat git but I can’t help but look in the mirror after a shower or something and go ‘uurgh’. That, combined with a steadily receeding hairline makes me wonder if I’m ever be found attractive again by anyone. Ah! Enough of this self pity! Heading back to uni in a few days, probably this coming Wednesday (though by the time anyone reads this it’ll be several Wednesdays past)


Maybe I’ll keep posting about my highly interesting a varied life!

*keep the peace – it’s just too much hassle to be bogged down by everyday stuff*