Looking Back is a Black Eye and a Kick in The Nuts

To the intermittent reader (yes I’ve stolen that from Mr. King, get over it – anyway, he says ‘dear’)

Ever since I’ve been writing in this blog I’ve never had the inclination to read back through what I’ve written, mostly because the archive extends back over 4 years and my personality does not lend itself to my doing things that are boring and strain my eyes. However, a friend of mine decided to take on the monumental  task of reading up on my life from now back to my first post all those years ago, and to keep up with the references she was making to entries I posted all those years ago I took it upon myself to read back over them.

BAD IDEA!!!

So many stupid things that I still regret doing even now have been brought back to the fore of my my conscious (does ‘back to the fore’ even make sense?). Nearly everything I’ve ever done that I regret has involved a girl, (or several – although not in the sense of ‘all at once’) and some of the stuff I typed up to this place where I could unload with no real repercussions is quite sad, not even in the upsetting sense, and I just feel like more and more of a tool for being the person I was and doing the things that I did back then. I mean, I felt sh!tty back when I wrote some of the stuff, but looking back on it all now I just cringe at some things and recall how crap I felt, and for some reason STILL feel, for doing the things I did.

Like the whole Sonya situation: I was 18 and acted like a 15 year old… A positive aspect of my doing this is that I can now see why I am the way I am now in some respects, my dislike for relationships and my inability to trust people with my feelings.

I think I wanted to leave a journal for others to read and a place I could document my life so that others could find out about me. I guess it’s ironic that it’s ME that’s finding out about me at a later date…

Amy’s gonna be so pissed when she realised she waited so long just to read this bullsh!t post… haha… sorry darlin’…

C
~keep the peace or take a trip down memory lane only to come back with ugly trinkets and souveneirs of pain~
(i think i might use that as a lyric when I start writing songs again)

I know it’s not been that long…

I know it’s only been a week since I last updated this page but a few things have altered… My housemates and I had a little talk (and I got a little shouted at) and things have improved around here, we’re talking again (breaking the silence by yelling(ish) at me was the best thing that my housemate could have done)…

Assessments have been bogging me (and a lot of others on the course) down… I’m actually meant to be doing one now (look what happened there)…

I’ve started listening to more meaningful music recently which has started me feeling some emotions again (man I’m making myself sound like a robot with no emotions but sometimes that is exactly how I can be) and I’ve been feeling happier ’cause the depressing music allows that emotion to effectively be ‘used up’ so I don’t dwell on it later…

Anyway… things are on the up and up… though I’m concerned now that my results for the last lot of assessments are going to reflect how I was feeling this last month or so…

So yeah… ’til the next time… lol

~keep the peace or comunicate with the earth using a very large speaker face-down and KoRn songs~

C

As The Post Birthday Euphoria Drains Away…

So I turned 22 on March 7th this year… mmm… a palindromic age… My birthday was kinda awesome, all my close friends from back home getting together for a night out… I was worse for wear the next day, lapses in memory and an awful hangover (I’ve been told both are signs of a kick-ass time)…
 
The week following my birthday was filled with visits to see my friends, sleeping and aching muscles. I am glad of my friends, if it wern’t for them I don’t think I’d have left the house, lol.
 
I’ve had to cart most of my posessions from my room at home to my room at uni ’cause, in the process of getting the house ready to sell, my room is going to be painted whilst I’m away. Goodbye blue walls, hello green… Anyway, so I’m surrounded by a tonne of electrical equipment that I daren’t leave in the questionably capable hands of my parents and sister (the most likely culprit of a breakage is my father). All of the electrical equipment around me is capable of producing/emitting music and the main purpose of nearly all of it is to do so (except for the few occasions I use the PC/laptop to try and do some uni work) and yet there’s nothing I really want to listen to, which I think is bringing me down. As many of my friends know, the music I listen to affects very much how I’m feeling and since I’m not listening to anything that has any real meaning to me I’m just being really quiet and introvert which is getting on the wick of the guys I live with, which in turn is getting back to me and making making me feel worse, I hate this place and any further reason not to come back is kinda welcomed.
 
 
Driving down the M6 is always cause for depression, there are so many times when I think, ‘if only I could just turn off at this junction and avoid going back at all’. It gets greyer and bleaker the closer you gets to Birmingham, very few stretches of green (although, saying that, just outside of Stafford there are some nice green bits of forest and field).
 
My problems (however minor and insignificant they are) are all my own doing, I think I just need to find a way out of this rut I’m in… If I can do that, then maybe it’ll all be back to the way it was last year.
 
Anyway, enough of my ranting and rambling… Off I go to get scolded for not doing ANY work last week (I don’t think my lecturer will take ‘it was my birthday’ as a valid excuse.
 
Thanks for reading this, whoever you are…
 
C
 
~ keep the peace ~